This Is Me

One Day after one long, heavy and stormy rain.

Love, scientifically complicated, mathematically infinity..logically illogical. People tend to taste new things in life, greed for better ones cause we love big big things in life, cause we all r greedy.

If i am to die today, what would i do? i said something similar regarding this stuff but then today, i changed again. I will, tell the moron, hey..i knew u r the one i have to love, cause i love u. I promise, i swear i will not leave you again, i m serious, pls curse me not to make a mistake, not to be a bitch again.

About my studies, well, i got no idea but i m quite happy now, at least better than before. I am quite worry cause i am lyk playing a fool with studies..so far no comment but i need a reminder.

About my financial, it seems to be allright dy, parent no longer so calculative and i m glad, i hate problems and i hate quarrels, hope things can be as simple as now. I got enuf to spend although i dont need that amount. I am no longer a money saver and i am now completely a spender cause after all, i find no reason planning for future, i am more of realistic now and wish for the best for every today.

Sports, i got futsal with me and although i would love most to play chess. At nilai yet again, i am too strong for all people here, i am the best in this college and there is too big a gap between me n the rest. Dota well, it is getting more interesting now. As we know, it is bad but i am kind of addicted so lets do it(NIKE).

exam soon, holiday soon, degree soon.

2 December 2008

Wao, wao..2009 soon.

Visited kathy's blog, my past important friend after had her news from a form5 girl, lolz..she had a bf..she going US soon..she forgot me!! this is bad..sob..

Nilai degree or OBU degree remains a myth in me, after the finale, i m going to make it clear. Nilai sucks this semester and dun ask me why. It really sucks.

Ponteng-ed more than enough this semester, kind of worry that i will be barred from Eng 114 finale. Hopefully, not.

Quarrel with parent recently on allowances, i get too little i guess. Moreover, cost of living and needs as well increases. I need more SSS to survive.

Su shien going to taiwan, Yirou HOngkong..Family Port Dickson, LAngakawi, nimpe going nowhere. Haiz..

2008 National Junior chess Championship to select Junior Master of the year. Who will win..um..i guess it will be tight if anas and edward both joined. Tighter if they dont join! Wakaka..i miss them..i miss penang guys, sarawak guys and most importantly, my team that i played for almost all life, Selangor MssM team. I love all u. I miss my medals, my pride, my...everything.

Ying Kai is conducting a trip to Redang on february, wana join can contact me. 3 days 2 nights raftly rm435..all inclusive! expensive? i dunoe..we will see..

Lastly, i think i have a gf, for now.

My way

10 November 2008

So, hi..dad and mum..proud of u guys! =.=
Well, since well, pama use kind of strict ways to educate, teach and feed me. I hate but they are as similar as the rest, did wad should be done. When i saw papa today, he look much younger, energetic than me. Even at such age..having tuition classes, work et cetera, he still stick with his favourite, Badminton. Glad knowing tat he won teacher's competition for state level, gold for his team and was selected to selection for state player. Congrates papa..i wish i can be like u, doing what i like the most, living my way, simple yet happy.

Mama..aha..she was as usual, the most long gas mama i have been with. When i was small, she was still studying in university. I remembered daddy was having 900bucks monthly to support both mum and me. I cleaned rice for porridge, ate maggi as dinner and suffered hunger at the age of 6. I was forced to sleep at 8am when dad was on his first year giving tuition. Due to my stubbornness, i was hit often, painfully. I never forget the pain, as pain as u can imagine. But my dad and mum did a pretty good job, we are stable now, we can have whatever we want, nice car, nice home and anything we want as long as realistic. We were looked down once, daddy was a teacher and none reli approve his job, even his closest relative which were uneducated but rich. Now, some are broke while daddy is living a better life. My grandpa carez for that the most, he respect teacher a lot. Grandpa and dad have so much comman, stubborn, hot tempered but they are of good people. No smoke, no gamble and no drinks are their principes.

For dad, i hate the most when he hit me when small, hate him to make education as priority for me in life. When i was in primary skul, i was excellent in form1 and 2 math, i have strong english and bahasa..even i can spoke well in both. But, i started to go against them until in the end i have my bad SPM result. I knew, if i can be like most of my friends, i wont hate studying, tearing add math books while revising. I was forced to study in room for whole morning but instead of that, i was copying answers from book. I gambled lots during my secondary days, but at the very least, i am happier than who i am now, i am much energetic and i have a direction, an ambition. For now, i am lost.

For mum, she was protecting me when dad trying to hit me..with rottan, chairs, belts and so on. Mama loves me lots when i was small. I saw her changing since i entered primary skul. Well, parents compete to being popular on children performances. Therefore, i was forced to attend tuition classes and the worst, i m banned from ping pong competition after whole year training but mama refused to let me play for 3days.

Dad and Mum did the right stuff, but they dunoe that..i want, badly to play chess for life. The only things that accompany me when i was crying, the reasons for me to have a direction. Dad and mum, if u all were to be blamed, it has to be, i hate u for stopping me to playchess. Just like anyone else, i have my dream. Sry, but if i have to repeat something, i will tell u guys, i wanted to skip college and everything just to play for another year. Even if one day, i am allowed to play, it wont be the same..as i had before. My dropout from asean tournament, representing malaysia..i want dad, i want it mum, but i no longer have a chance, for life!!! all this is juz a little too late. Maybe, lots late.

Looking at my prize collection, i knew i am not what i am now, i am something, but i no longer have a direction. I proved myself every once, but i am not approved, just lyk when u all were teachers, none of relatives approved ur status for both of u r poor. I wont blame anyone, but i will cry, alone. Lastly, i miss my sole Mssm 2006 gold medal, just if i can hold it once again, i will die peacefully.

^.~

27 October 2008

None can predict future, not many can forget the past. Life, unpredictable, unforgettable but undying. I nvr realize how many yesterday wasted, and i never knew when i will know..maybe tomorrow, weeks..months..years..? First came to Nilai, i was having quite a good profile, gameless, acedemically above average, good attittude, clean cut look, good physical as well and love+loved. Somehow, drasticly, negatively..tranformed!

All this was due to, LOVE! I really hope someone willing to listen, to cheer, and to carez..for i was left behind by her, the one that gime whole load of hopes. Frens wonder who is she? Theorically, she was suppose to be my ex, but she wasnt, my ex ex, which means..the one i loved for long..maybe her, but definately not her! Somehow, this time round, she was not a gf, not a friend either, how to describe status-cally, i dunoe. Together with her at the very 1st moment, things are predicted..because i am fresh and awake, i can calculate the consequences from every single positioning! I read people's mind well. I predicted a no end, but unexpected it ended in such a hurry. Hence, conclusion are fated by some fools that control peoples.

Till now, i am writing alone, i am surely, lonely. When i was desperating to leave secondary school, i realize how fun it was to be there. Put away academic pressure, life is much competitive, worth appreciated from past. I was someone, yet, i am nobody. If i were to say, to update myself realistically, surely there is something to write. Starting with lifestyle..i tot semester one i was having a bad one, stayed late midnight for surfing, gaming..but it really wasn't. I am having my worst nightmare in life, where i totally out of control. There is no specific sleeping time and there is no indication to do well in everything, even in my favourite chess, i lost confident..and love. Followed by sports, i mourned for there is lack in partners or facilities in the beginning, but still..i have badminton, pingpong, football, basketball..a lil chess as well. But now, none i am playing. The only improvement was obviously in dota. Together with my friend now, i feel part of them in game. I shall say i am no longer a noob, no longer weakening the team. Sometimes, i can even be the best. I looked pro, but i am not for i aint happy being a dota player. I rather being a chess boy that is curios about this game..a healthy athlete, an someone that learn dota once a while than someone that plays everyday. I knew it is change-able, but i am sure i ruined it all, it seems late..for i lost my confident, all of it. For the very first time yesterday, i followed friends to drink, carrick has half a glass, as for me, 3 glass of carlsberg is all it takes, but i am afraid it never ends. I just wanted to tell, it is all from her, for her but actually, for nothing i knew.

Sherlyn, i feel lyk telling u, i oso hurt..u can find me to talk, but i just cant find u for this. That made a different btw guys n girls..u girls can cry easily but i just can hide it all in heart..the same pain we both suffered, the different ways for expession.

Recently, i feel better, honestly! a bit better. For at least, i do homeworks and less skip classes. Currently, got 25classes missed ba..not boostful but honest! Days back, i was actually playing football with Abdi, i had a good sleep that night, gladfully.

Stay Cheerful, fresh and strong

8 October 2008

Unexpectable, i am writing in my new URL, where no one noes. I deleted several blogs, all about those leading me to drugs. Surely, people wonder what i did throughout Hari Raya. Unfortunately, i played dota days and night. Skipped breakfast, lunch were common. Furthermore, mum even used to see me 5pm everyday. Something wrong somewhere surely, exactly! My meaningful days were the visit Bukit Tinggi and celebrated grandma's birthday.

It is time to change. Love gave me hope, ruined my life, seems simple, yet complicated. Sherlyn, the only one knows my blog after i actually change my url, please keep it as secret. Lolz..i started blogging since April oOo!

I tried to own sumbody love thru sympathy, thru a lot a lot ways. Well, sry but i just cant control.. i cant be my ownself as i am lost for some period or that period. Anyway, i think somehow, i am awake. Very soon, everyday will be normal again. Right now, i am still looking for a reason to live. Hopefully, every tomorrow will be better.

Put your hand on the chest, it's beating, the heart is beating. I'm glad, i'm alive. Ma de, juz chatted wif someone, i smiles..lol..happily. Why? hehe..

Chess Angel

8th September 2008

The Bottom Line
You need to slow down, today. Take a walk, put things in perspective, and get real.

In Detail
Do you think you're in need of some inspiration in your job or schoolwork? If your brain just doesn't seem to be able to concentrate on one thing for more than five minutes, you don't need inspiration -- you need a vacation. You need to slow down. You need to take a walk, put things into perspective, and get a reality check about your place in the world. Trying so hard to keep busy could be a coping device -- are you trying to avoid dealing with something? Face up to it and move on.

~I am avoiding, it is true. Escape from my true feeling to live better.

Happy Birthday, my chess angel, forever.

^_^

21 August 2008

The Bottom Line
Start exploring other relationships, today, and find things out for yourself.
In Detail
One of your most important relationships are going through a transition right now(TRUE), and while it might be uncomfortable and worrisome for a while, it will all work out for the best in the end. In the meantime, you should go out and start exploring other kinds of relationships.(hehe) Find out for yourself what it's like to be an independent person without any alliances to hold you back. And no matter how wonderful an alliance is, it is still something that limits your freedom.(agree).

Copied and pasted, find it suitable for today's post. Um..xing fu!
想为你做件事　让你更快乐的事 好在你的心中埋下我的名字 求时间　趁著你　不注意的时候 悄悄地　把这种子酿成果实 我想她的确是　更适合你的女子 我太不够温柔优雅成熟懂事 如果我　退回到　好朋友的位置 你也就　不再需要为难成这样子 很爱很爱你　所以愿意　舍得让你 往更多幸福的地方飞去 很爱很爱你　只有让你　拥有爱情 我才安心 看著她走向你　那幅画面多美丽 如果我会哭泣也是因为欢喜 地球上　两个人　能相遇不容易 作不成你的情人我仍感激 很爱很爱你　所以愿意　不牵绊你 往更多幸福的地方飞去 很爱很爱你　只有让你　拥有爱情 我才安心
- From time to time whenever wind blows, i was imagining relaxing by the sea. I felt it, the feeling that i just couldnt hide. U noe, being with the sea, i can temporary overcome all the sadness in my heart. We dont have to hide but it is not painful anymore. I imagine the future and lastly left it with the sea. It is so cool, that i can even hear my breathing.

Sorry, I love you.
Without mistakenly, u left silently,
again, i was still here, at the beginning.
Looking nervously as u take ur leave,
slowly tears drop, without pauses.
With the weather turned colder,
i can only stand here, crying, alone.
I feel ur pain over there,
that makes me think we love each other, from far, still.
Just if u say love me,
this has to be my most wonderful and perfect day.
Tell me, one day, u will be back.
Tell me, the sunny day will come after winter ends.
Sorry, sorry,
For i love you, forever.

zeven. ai shi te ru.